It is easy to pick up emotions when one has a tendency to empathy. Having this, one can realize when not to strike and when not to attack. Accommodation for people is a very important act that addresses the needs of people, whether in a workplace or in housing or some other situation. It is not enough to know about one's identity, one's label, culture or handicap, to understand how to approach them. I posted something on Facebook recently about the topic of anxiety. I have a close friend who suffers major anxiety, and I currently have three claims going through the legal system on behalf of people whose anxiety has created such major problems for themselves, that others have infringed upon their rights in some way, either by doing something or failing to do something. I have been told by others that such people should just stop worrying and pick themselves up by their bootstraps. Sadly, it is attitudes like this that keep these folks hamstrung by their disability.
Back in the nineties, I was involved in many different kinds of organizations, particularly a few where I was in a position to employ others. During the early nineties, it was not necessarily a big thing to accommodate people with disabilities, although this was the law since the 1960's. He was a superb performer who I hired to take on responsibility for the various policy initiatives the agency that employed me engaged in. W accomplished a lot together in a short time. During that time, I was the type of person that can write excellent proposals and put forth great ideas, utilizing strategies for matching funds, top up funding, project based initiatives and so forth. My success rate was fairly high and at this time, we created programs that can be utilized across Canada. We went through the bureaucratic channels of identifying our initiatives, our selected proponents, our objectives, etc. He and I worked on several of these projects together, occasionally traveling together across Canada to meetings or site visits.
There was then a period of time my spider sense started to bite me about this fellow. Prior to this, there were no complaints about his work, his ability to relate to others and to complete tasks. I was never a direct accountability manager, as I always tried to see the many moving parts of a project work together, so that I would coordinate, delegate, observe and encourage others to work as a team. We made decisions together, even though it was my right to direct otherwise. I don't know whether this is because I am female, having held different executive type positions in non-profit or public organizations, as well as in my own private sector businesses, and naturally being more empathetic to how people are feeling. First, I don't deal well with a lot of negative around me. I can sense it even if nobody else is talking about it, or even appearing to suffer from some type of awkward environment. When I began to sense this, I would ask how I can help instead of just trying to find who to place the blame for such a travesty on.
My fellow started to come in late a couple times a week, which was troublesome but not to the extreme, because while it is important to have predictability and organization, stipulating specific punctuality on the dot is a bit too much micromanaging for me. There would be times when he would be at his desk, not appearing productive. Certain deadlines we set together slipped, and then slipped again. Many of my colleagues would wonder whether this was drugs, alcohol or plain old laziness. I was more naturally inclined to get a discussion going about what this person can share with me about their situation at the time and how the workplace can best accommodate them. Is there something I should be doing that would enhance or perhaps, provide support to this person (as this kind of pattern to me signals a need for support, not disciplinary action). After I heard the situation and what was needed, I made minor changes in the workplace that would allow him to address his needs. He told me how shocked he was because prior employers never expressed that concern, but my concern is keeping good people on the job working productively.
What is this script about? It is about understanding other people. Everyday, we work with people, many we love and enjoy working with, others we may have difficulties with. Usually the moving parts work well together as a well oiled machine should, but there are occasional breakdowns, usually enhanced as a result of lack of communication or if communications is being done, it is done in a way that is aggressive or hurtful to the other party. We are not always aware of how our own communication patterns can affect others. Even I have fallen victim to this, but I have had to at least convey an apology to the person concerned and learn how not to deal with a situation like that in the future. However, sometimes others do not. This builds the toxins in the system, gradually wearing down on the machine that made that place work. People want to blame. People want to dump on others. People want to run. None of these things are productive. I sometimes wish there were people who knew how to communicate using the concept of Johari's Window.
A window would have four frames,all of which represents the following items as they concern themselves with communication. One frame would be the facts within one's own private knowledge and thoughts. These are the things that are affecting you, or that you are thinking about, or opinions that are being formed, but I don't see them or hear of them. The other frame is the things that are happening to me, my own thoughts and reactions to them, as well as how I might have felt this morning when I got up out of bed and fell flat on my face. I am not going to say that to you.
The third window includes the things that are happening that neither you or I know about. These are things that are outside of my awareness, or as I often say, "things that fly over my head". These are also outside of your awareness. Your son might be out at the time and getting into an accident and smashing the car. Your partner might be preparing a big surprise party for your fiftieth birthday. The final frame is the frame that includes you and I and what you and I both know, both facts that we share in common as well as knowledge that we know of each other. I know your favourite colour is blue. I know you enjoy your coffee black. I know you and your partner have been having a rough time lately with bills, your teenage son and making arrangements for your mother, who has been getting on in age and needs more care that either of you can provide for her. You know I just lost both of my parents, have been tied up at work with a major project that is taking on more dimensions that I expected when I first started and that my health has been an issue as well.
I come into your house with seeming a chip on my shoulder. Perhaps I am impulsive, acting more erratic than I usually do, especially in my style of communications. You are taken aback by this and wonder what the heck you did to cause me to be angry at you. However, because I did not tell you about the idiot that cut me off on the highway, the cheque that bounced that was supposed to go to my mortgage, and my neighbours that held a party the night before until three o'clock in the morning. At the same time, you did not tell me about your son's illness that was just diagnosed yesterday afternoon and a pending series of layoffs at your workplace. You are naturally anxious and afraid that your job will be affected, but in not telling me that, you are seeing my behaviour as erratic and more aggressive than usual and you wonder if it was your fault. To you, your world is coloured with fear and anxiety. You are worried about your son's health. You are seeing me as the aggressor that is somehow coming down on you or perhaps, being overly critical of things in general. You begin to get upset, turn away from me and ask me to leave. That is not your style. You are usually open and are able to take me in most of my moods and help me laugh it off. I wonder what is going on with you and what the heck I did to you that is making you indifferent.
So that becomes another jab at my day, now that one of my closest friends wants nothing to do with me. I go home, wondering, scratching my head, and thinking about the possibility I did something wrong to you. You are wondering why I was seemingly so irritated with you. The fact of the matter here is that neither you or I are any different than we were the day before, but circumstances, our own set of facts unknown to the other person, have become a communication barrier. Sometimes, what needs to be done is to open that damned window and allow the relevant facts to come in. The facts are put on the table and then I can start to see why you were so indifferent to me, and you can see why I was unusually agitated. We both know at that point that this whole thing had nothing to do with either of us and that we are still friends. Life will go on.
It is kind of hard to explain, but that is how I address the people issues I encounter in my career and how I seem to know how to accommodate people when I know the facts behind a person's need. In the above case scenario, once I learn the facts, I might offer to do something with you that would help bring you and your son closer together. I would talk to you about strategies to learn more about what is happening in your workplace, while I treat you and your family to a nice dinner and musical or something like that. I keep an 'open door policy' on things. In a business relationship, we try to see what can make your work easier, keep you at a productive level and proactive, about what can be done in the near and more distant future. At the same time, it would be nice for you to know that I am human too, and people having parties next door does not promote good mental health for me. Because I am likely to be tired, maybe you can offer to drive me to my business meeting in Hamilton later that day instead of me driving myself and risking some other idiot cutting me off.
These principles, although humorous and simplistic as they appear, also apply to more complex situations. Communication is key. I know people's complaints, but in what way do they plan to be part of the solution? If a workplace accommodation is needed, you need to tell me what works and what doesn't. Just because you get migraines, it doesn't mean that another person I worked with who had migraines needed the same accommodations you need. We are all individuals, shaped by our various values, experiences and personal objectives. For me, I need an environment of certainty, to some extent predictability, while at the same time offering me a range of options to choose from to further grow in my career goals, personal goals, or whatever. I try to offer the same in return, although some people tend to like the unexpected ... I am just not one of them.
Developing the empathy and the skills to do all of this has taken a lot of time for me. However, doing this has furthered my abilities to grow, gain new experience and meet various people I might never have had an opportunity to know. This is an important skill for people to have, especially in the business world. As an employer, you need to be open to ensure that you are not unreasonably limiting your positions to certain people, aka people like you. This is important in customer service as well, as you do not know who will be coming through your door. Is your building easy to find? Is it on a bus route? Is there reasonable parking nearby? Can people easily get through your front door? Is your place of business on the level ground, or is there an elevator? Are your doors wide enough to admit even those in a power chair? Is there access to quiet space to meet with someone? How is the lighting? The same thoughts should be in any other area of your life's activities.
This goes back to my friend with the anxiety disorder. What this person also needs is certainty, acceptance and open communication. Sadly, in all of my three cases going through the legal system right now as a result of somebody failing to accommodate somebody's anxiety issues, this simple structure and assurance was lacking for them, which in turn led to more serious problems. The more cynical in my profession sees these situations as an opportunity to litigate, but the more humane side of me sees these situations as something that could have been handled much better and opening more of the world to these specific people who are involved.
